I did it.  I finally called my dad.  I hadn’t talked to him since Christmas but once we got past the initial awkwardness, the Holy Spirit began to soften my heart and all the anger and memories that came flooding back these past two months fell off of me again.  God helped me to see him as the broken and scared little man that I know my earthly dad is.  

I will never forget that night we moved out of the house.  Ever since not having to live with him, it’s been a lot easier to temporarily give up contacting him after he’s lost his temper and caused a scene.  This has happened too many times to count since my parents divorced four years ago.  It’s the same routine every time, he gets physical or threatens me, we don’t talk, then I call him and we act like nothing ever happened.  I usually take the blame for not calling him (despite whatever he did and his lack of effort to contact me). 

This time was different though.  I felt stronger and more confident.  This is the second time recently I’ve stood up for myself instead of taking the blame for something I didn’t deserve. Its been the most incredible feeling and freedom in another area God had yet to show me.  While I couldn’t find the words to tell him how badly he hurt me that day, I stood my ground and felt at peace.  Two hours earlier I had driven somewhere to let out all my anger and tears over the situation.  Only God could have turned that around so quickly and given me the courage to call him. 

I’m not saying it was easy, but I approached it not worrying about the response that could follow.  I felt secure in who my real heavenly Father is and I did it to please Him, not to try and finally feel accepted by a mere man who cant give me what he doesn’t already have.  I pray with all my heart that my dad will someday experience the love of the Lord that his dad never gave him.  

Last night I went to my accountability group where one of the girls pastors came and taught on the prophetic.  I met Pastor lance last year when he came one night and prophesied over us.  Since this was the second time I wasn’t caught off guard when he began sharing things about me that no one else knows.  He spoke so much truth over me and I can honestly say I’ve never felt closer to God as I do when this man is speaking to me.  I started crying as he told me so much about Gods future plans for me and how its connected to what I’m learning now.  He had no idea that I had been fasting these past three weeks for a Godly confidence and the Lord revealed to him the exact same thing I felt God telling me three weeks ago, that the Lord is about to open my mouth to speak and put a real confidence and boldness in my speech.  That people who once knew me as shy are going to witness his anointing on me and know that the glory of it only belongs to Gods power.

Last fall when Pastor Lance came he prophesied to me a lot about my dad and things hes done that I had never told anyone.  I’ve also been praying that the Lord would reveal himself to me as a Father and not just as Jesus or the Spirit.  When I was saying goodbye Pastor Lance gave me a hug and just held me for a moment.  I don’t know how to explain what happened in that moment but I felt like I was just hugged by God himself.  It frustrates me now because not only can I fail to put into words what happened in that moment but I want everyone to have that encounter!  Every fiber in my body was on fire in a good way and somehow I knew I had just physically encountered the Lord inside this man (as crazy as that sounds.)  It was the way he held me that was so unlike anything I have ever had before.  As he held me he leaned in and whispered, “He’s going to show you to the Father, just hold tight”.  I drove back to my apartment smiling like a fool and just praying that God would take me up to heaven so I could be embraced like that again. 

Then in church this morning, I was worshiping and closing my eyes when I had an image of Jesus smiling excitedly and grabbing my hand to tell me “It was time”.  He led me right out of that room and past everyone worshiping.  I knew he was leading me to the Father in his thrown room but before we got there my pastor got up and started talking.  For someone growing up reading the bible, I didn’t use to believe all that much in the supernatural today.  All I know right now is that He’s about to do something huge.  My efforts to love God back have been really weak but the more he reveals himself, the easier it is to attempt to love Him in a way that He’s worthy of.  Whatever that was last night, the world needs it and I want more of it!